I read this on the blog Aint that Sherific
 and it spoke to me more than about any blog post I have read.   I hope you will take a moment to read it and pass it along. 

Thanks Sheri for being brave enough to put in to words what so many trauma mommas feel.


November is National Adoption Month.

Let's state the obvious, Adoption is life changing.  People focus on the sacrifice that we adopted parents make.  The way we graciously open our home to an "orphan".  The way we give them a better life than they would've had without us.  How generous we are.   Love can and will fix everything.

That, my friends, is a pile of crap.

Adoption is born from ruin.  It is ugly.  It is loss, something that if we were honest we wished would never have to happen.  It comes from pain.  It is unnatural.

All those things being true it is still wonderful and loving.  It is done out of a spirit of helpfulness.  It is kindness and mercy.  It is a necessary evil.

It is not a decision I regret.

It is not at all what I expected.  It is messy.  It is hard.  It is gut wrenching.

Working through the pain that my child suffered and the indelible scars they left behind is not easy.  It is not generous and it does not make me a saint.  It makes me a warrior.  I wish there were things I never knew.  I wish I didn't immediately go to "that place" when someone shares that they are pursuing adoption. 

I fear that they are going in blind like we did.  I fear that they are thinking they are going to have a short period of adjustment and all will be well.   I fear that others in their home will be adversely effected.  I fear that they will lose their ideal image of adoption. I fear that they think that most times love is enough.

And if I am honest with myself, I what I fear most is that their love will be enough while mine wasn't.

I fear that I drew the short stick and their life will be peachy.  I fear that I will share a small portion of our ugly with them to try to prepare them and then the get flowers and hearts instead of stinky fish and garbage to wade through.   I fear they will think I am crazy. 

I also fear that I am right, and they will experience the hard part of loss.  Their child will have attachment resistance and will struggle with e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.  I fear being "right" because that means another child and another family will have to wade through the muck of early trauma.  I fear that their chemistry, their brain is forever altered by the loss they have experienced.   I fear we will add another parent into the "trauma momma" fold and another child will have to live with the repercussions of mistakes the adults in their life have made. I fear that a child suffers.

My family has been forever changed by adoption.   I have learned to be a fighter, an advocate, and a learner.   My children have learned  compassion and tolerance for others.  I have experienced more heartache than I knew existed.  I have also experienced more joy.  I have friends that AMAZE me daily.  I have become a part of an amazing community who hold one another up when we think we can no longer continue.  I have traveled across the country to be in the presence of women who understand.  I have met moms who are warriors and children who are conquerors.   I have met those still deep in the battle and I have met those on the other side.

I have made mistakes.  I have been forgiven.  I have learned it is not about me.  I have learned that no one really knows what we go through unless you live it daily.   I understand that you still think I am crazy.

And that is ok.

I don't really want you to understand.  I want you to reach out and help.  I want you to make a meal for a family in your circle who has adopted.  I want you to ask if you can take their child to a movie.  I want you to understand when they pull into themselves. I want you to not give up on them when they cannot socialize as often as before.   I want you NOT to say they are special, or awesome or a saint, because likely they are feeling precisely the opposite.  I want you to drop by with wine and chocolate and not blink twice when the house is a disaster or smells like pee.   Come over and ask to help with laundry.  Ask to play catch in the yard with their child so they can take a freaking nap without being hyper vigilant.

Never forget that scars from early trauma and issues with attachment do not show on the outside.  Please, for the love of all that is holy, understand that they will likely be wonderful, kind, perfect children for you because you are not the parent.  You are not trying to take over that spot in their life that holds so much pain, so much loss.  You are not the object of their difficulties.  Please don't judge the parent when you simply can't see it. I promise they are not crazy.  I promise you won't get it.  And that is ok.  Just know it.

How I wish

How I wish you could see what you are missing out on by being so judgmental. How you won't know how amazing and caring he is for those who are part of his world. How the other one dreams of growing up to do big things with technology so he can make big money and help people in need. How cute and funny she can be once she gets over being an over the top showboat to try and get your attention. How even though he is tiny he will do anything to help you and is so incredibly sweet How much you miss out on because you don't want to be around enough for them to get past trying to get your attention from the others. How much you could learn about them in quiet one on one time. How much you are missing out on because its not easy but it might be worth it. How you are breaking his heart and you should be the last one to do that to him. How you have taught the next one that he is important to you and now he doesn't trust you. How they are growing up and seeing the difference in how you treat them and its you that is going to miss out. They will move on not missing what they don't remember ever having. How it will you looking back and wondering how you could have done things differently so they would still be a part of your life. How you tossed the love they were offering to you to the side because it didn't come easy for you. How I hope you wise up before it is too late to fix the hole you have created

Humbled

Tonight I go to bed humbled by the love that has been shown to our family this year by expected sources but also unexpected sources of people who just heard our story and stepped up to help even when we said we didn't need it. I am truly touched by the human kindness of people who can empathize and stand up to help give some one a hand or even a moment to say we heard your story and we are here for you. Amazing. Grateful and blessed

Pondering the hearts

Tonight my heart ponders how people who say they love you can be so hard, cold and uncaring to the people they should love the most. I ponder how you can watch people struggling that you say you care about and not offer to help or even a phone call to check up on them but can sit back, cast judgement on us and exclude us. Then justify yourself to appease your guilt. We are trying to do to th

e best we can for what we have been dealt. Can you say you are doing your best to help your family? When you are laying on your death bed and looking over your life you will have regrets for what you didn't do and what you missed out on by excluding your family because it's not easy. I will know that I fought hard and did the best that I could to try and help my family and those who have touched my life.

Hanging on

8 years ago we brought home two kids we thought we could love through anything they needed and as long as we were determined we could fix anything that came up. Over the course of the next 4 years we added their two younger siblings to our home and had faith that doing the right thing would allow them to all be together and we could help them all grow up. In the last year I have come to realize

that no matter how much I want things to be different for them that there are things we can't change for them. We can provide them all the opportunities to make progress but nothing is guaranteed to work and all you can do is keep trying. Some times it is very hard to keep trying when it feels like nothing makes a difference and no one that can help takes what you are saying seriously. I worry for their future and wonder how things could be different for them if our concerns were addressed before they got escalated to the point of crisis. Thank you to My family and friends for being there for us, checking in to see how we all are doing and just being there to listen if nothing else. I know this journey would be even harder with out you.

Life changing soul searching

I last left you with waiting to hear from the Dr.  Waiting to come to grips with this whole new reality that we were faced with.  One of my friends called another of our friends who happened to know a neurosurgeon.  She got him to talk to us and he looked over the scans and gave us a diagnosis of hemangioblastoma.  It was nice to have a name and some more information.  Thankfully he said it is rarely cancerous.  We set up an appointment to see him and kept the one we had scheduled with the other Dr for another opinion.  I don't remember much but the overwhelming scared and sad feeling. An overwhelming need to be with Jason and not leave him so I would be able to see with my own eyes that he is ok.  We got in to see my the neurosurgeon my friend knew and he was able to answer our questions and tell us what the process was going to look like.  My husband would be having brain surgery.  How is this possible?  I kept waiting to wake up from this and to find it wasn't true.  It never happened. The Dr recommended that we keep our appointment with the other Dr for a second opinion.  We walked out with more knowledge, a little more peace and whole lot of worry.

  We told the kids that Daddy had something in his head that shouldn't be there.  That the Dr's were going to take it out and that Daddy would be in the hospital for a few days.  They all took it pretty well. I am not sure how much they really understood.  However Liam got it.  He processed it and then he came and sat next to Jason's chair at his feet and leaned on his legs.  He never spoke.  I saw him and said you can sit with Dad if you want.  He climbed in his laps and I took this picture.  It speaks to Liam's concern for his Dad and their ability to communicate with out words.  It amazes me still to see this picture. 

 

Jason continued to work for awhile. It was hard for me to let him but I knew he needed that norm to deal with everything.  He worked and came home exhausted. It was so hard to not be able to fix it for him.  No pill I could give him to make it go away nothing I could do to make it better

 I had to do something for him and nothing seemed like it was enough.  I came up with starting a facebook page for him to see the support he had as well as an easy way to share the latest news with everyone.  Supporting Jason French Then I had a fun visual idea for him to see.  I took a blank wall in our living room and made it is support wall.  I cut out vinyl letters that say Feel the Love Jason I printed out every comment anyone posted to him, anything that I came across that made me think of him, every card that arrived got stuck to the wall.  It was humbling to him to see how many people care.  He has always been the one to be there for others.  He has always been the one doing things to help and it was hard to step back and let people do it for him.

 

The love poured in and we hung it on the wall for him to see and feel

Jason volunteers with Animalia animal group and they were having a show at the Children's museum.  He insisted he wanted to volunteer so we all went down and he helped with the show.  I saw that day how hard he was working to try and maintain his day to day norm.  I could see him struggle with his balance and his coordination wasn't what he thought it should be. He loved being with the animals and the kids.  I sat and watched him amazed at his strength and determination.  He was however completely exhausted by the end of the event and thankfully his Dad had joined us for the event and was able to drive us home as I was a nervous wreck.  It was such a turning point to see how much he was being effected even when he thought he was compensating.  He told me on the walk back to the car it was to like to walk across open spaces.  It felt like the ground moved and he did ok if he could touch a wall but crossing parking lots didn't allow for that.  Little did I know how quickly things would change for him over the next few weeks as we waited for his surgery date.   I started driving him to work and picking him up after this.  I wanted to make sure he arrived safe and sound.  He didn't like the idea but understood why I wanted him not to drive.  It was a little hectic getting everyone where they needed to be on time but it was worth it.  Little did I know how short of time it would be before he wouldn't need me to drive him. 
  We finally got in to see Dr. Sloan and as soon as we met him we knew that he was the one we wanted to do the surgery.  He personally walked out the waiting room and met us and walked us to a room.  He asked some questions and did some tests.  It made me want to cry when he struggled with some of them.  He has always been my rock and my strength and to see how much he struggled was horrible.  I know it had to be so hard for him to feel vulnerable like that.   To not be able to do things we all took for granted.  Dr Sloan said he wanted him to get an abdomen scan because this hemangioblastoma can be part of a condition called Von Hipple Lindau syndrome, and he wanted to make sure his kidneys didn't have the cysts.  We set up a date for surgery and the scan and left with a plan and confidence we were doing the right thing.  I still had couldn't believe we now had brain surgery scheduled for my husband but I understood this is what he needed to get back to himself.   It wouldn't be easy waiting till the 25th from the 9th but we knew we were making the right decision.  I told him several times through this that we would do this together and together was exactly where I was going to be. 

Coming clean

I haven't blogged because I was torn on how to post happy life posts when things just aren't happy most of the times.  I struggled between if you don't have anything nice to say than don't say anything and honesty is the best policy.  Today I am taking the step towards honesty is the best policy.  The truth is life has been hard this year.  The hardest year I have ever experienced.  It has also been enlightening and miraculous but really hard. 

The biggest truth to tell is that my daughter has reactive attachment disorder.  It is horrible and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  I often wonder what brought it in to our lives but it's hear and we struggle with dealing with it.  For those who don't know reactive attachment disorder comes from an insecure attachment to a caregiver in early years.  We don't know our daughter's first 18 months.  We know why she was placed in to foster care at 18 months and what has happened with her since she joined our family.  Due to her experiences in the first 18 months she struggles with forming attachments to her caregivers, in our case us her parents.  She is great at making superficial attachments with teachers, bus drivers, Sunday school teachers, and the sorts but real bonded attachment isn't there. It is heart breaking to see it and not be able to fix it. If you want to know more about attachment disorder and the causes visit Attachment.org they do a much better job of explaining the details.  What does it mean to our family I can help you better understand.
 It means we lived on the edge, always waiting to see what will set her off. Once she was set off she would rage, like a toddler temper tantrum but worse much worse.  She would rage for hours some times or minutes the next so you never knew what you were going to get and how long it would last.  It means when she gets on the bus you kind of hold your breath and hope today goes well.  That she doesn't go to school and tell some horrible lie about you to the staff.  Then she comes home and you wonder if the story she is telling you about how the teacher didn't let her do her work, or yelled at her, that the kids were being mean to her at recess are true.  Then you ask her to hang up her jacket and on the floor she goes kicking and screaming about how she doesn't feel like hanging up her jacket.  You walk away and try to ignore her.  She eventually gives up and hangs up her jacket.  Then you start making dinner and ask her to start her homework surprisingly she agrees you feel successful.  She starts working on her math and the questions start.  Mom what is 2+3, you reply I bet you can figure that out give it a try.  She whines and says it's too hard you know she knows how to add and you feel yourself being sucked in to this game she is playing.  Well skip that one and try another one since that one is too hard for you.  The game continues until she refuses to do the work and is trying to appear to be crying but no tears just red circles around her eyes where she rubbed them to try and appear to be crying.  Dinner time and we all sit down to eat.  The gorging game begins with her and her brother. They cram food in to their mouth as fast as possible making a mess but intent on being the first one done so they can get more.  After dinner add in showering and bed time and the drama continues.
  Then the end of March my nerves couldn't take the tantrums anymore.  She was spending hours a day yelling, screaming, throwing things, laying on the floor and banging and kicking her floor which is the ceiling of the main level of the house.  I was at the end of my rope.  She kept screaming how much she hated me and her family that she didn't want to live with us and that she was never going to stop screaming and kicking because she hates us.  I asked my sister if she could come there for spring break.  She thankfully agreed and we took her to stay there the week before spring break.  Little did I know that my world was about to go spinning out of control just a few days later. 
  On March 28th my husband had a MRI done on his head for some dizziness he was having.  On March 29th we went and saw his Dr and found out he had a brain tumor.  It was like the world stopped and everything went in to slow motion. I have heard this said before and never understood the impact until I lived it.  I remember sitting across from Jason and the Dr. saying the MRI showed something on his brain.  Then it was like the room got really long and Jason who was sitting right across from me was suddenly down a long tunnel and everything slowed down.  I don't remember what I said.  I don't recall a lot of what the Dr said besides he would set up an appointment with a neurosurgeon for us.  I didn't cry, I was too terrified to cry, I was too numb to cry, I was to confused to cry.  How could this be added on top of all that we are currently dealing with?  How could this be happening to my husband?  We left with an appointment in 2 weeks to see a neurosurgeon.  Jason insisted he wanted to go back to work, I took him back to his office and drove to pick up Rogan from preschool.   I walked in the door and his amazing teachers knew we were going to the Dr. knew immediately that we didn't get good news I must have looked bad.  I am not sure if I kept it together to tell them but they were the first ones to know the news besides us.  They helped me get Rogan ready to go and then I called Jason and told him he was coming home.  I couldn't leave him at work and I didn't want him to drive.  I couldn't imagine what was going through his mind as I knew what I was thinking and I wasn't the one with the diagnosis. We came home that day and started living a new reality.
 Thankfully my sister agreed to keep my daughter as I wasn't capable of managing RAD, 4 other special needs kids and  a sick husband.  We were able to enroll her in school at my sisters with out any problems which was amazing.  Then we began the job of waiting to get in to the Dr. 

Curious

Another prompt that piqued my curiosity is Curious. I am a very curious person. I love looking in to things and trying to figure things out. I love learning about things and people. I spend way to much time on the internet looking up things I hear about. I wish I was better at applying what I learn to my life as I am sure I would be in a much better place if I just could.

Some of my recent curiosities have been reading about RAD, researching Blue Tongue Skinks this summer, I also have been reading a book about adoptions from China just because I found it at Goodwill and it seemed interesting, I have a stack of other books what to entertain me next.

I wonder what will be my next thing, what my kids think, what makes my hubby tick, why I can't sleep past 4 AM, when will the chaos let up, what will come of those relationships that are so confusing to me right now and why I am still up at 11 complaining about not sleeping when I should be sleeping while I have the chance. For now I bid you goodnight and I go to ponder the thoughts that will invade my head while I lie in my bed hoping to be sleeping.

Yelling

In hopes of returning to blogging I went looking for a site with prompts that might inspire me to continue this project. I want to, no that should be I need to do this. Life has not been the easiest this year. I am kind of glad that it will soon wrap up and hope upon hope that 2012 brings more smiles than frowns. In my search I came across The One Minute Writer, which posts daily prompts to inspire you to write. I don't think I will be able to accomplish writing in just one minute but I liked the prompts and so I am going with it.

The prompt today says Yell, write about a time you yelled. Unfortunately I know too much about yelling lately. I have yelled and been yelled at more this year than I think in my whole life. I hate it. I hate that I allow myself to get so frustrated that I yell. I hate that I feel like the only way to be heard is to yell. I hate that my kids yell at me, and yes I know that they probably do it because I do. I hate that more often than not we wake up to kids yelling and at each other at the ungodly hours between 4 and 5 in the morning. I wish that yelling wasn't such a part of our household. I am working hard at trying to curtail that and feel like I am making progress in that direction, not as fast I would like but still progress and I will take what I can get.

Then there are the times that I wish that I could yell, I wish that I could scream, I wish I could tell them exactly what I felt. I wonder what holds me back then but not at home.

I feel like someone snuck in my head and stole this from me

I found this posted on Storing up Treasures and I felt like she stepped in my head took my thoughts and changed just a few minor details. It is weird to feel so alone in this and then stumble on something that makes you see there are others walking a similar road.

My child is RAD.

Reactive Attachment Disordered that is.

And to you he is the most adorable, affectionate, loving child you have ever met. He melts you with every smile. He warms your heart with his engaging disposition.

In your Sunday school class he is the most well behaved student you have.

In your classroom he always listens and obeys.

When you come to our home to visit, he will grab your hand and show you around. He will hug you and make you feel like you are the most welcome guest we have ever had. He may even convince you that you have some sort of special bond with him.

It is hard for me to tell you that you are not special at all. In fact he does this with everyone. He does this with the creepy guy at the mall. He does this with the checkout lady at the food store.

In fact he does this with just about everyone he meets.

Except for me.

When I tell you what our life is like you look at me like I am crazy. You wonder how on earth such a sweet child could do or be all of the things I have said. You start questioning our parenting. You begin wondering if it is really us that has the issues.

You just see this cute little child.

You aren't here when he tantrums and screams. You aren't here when he refuses to eat. You aren't here when he eats until he is ill. You aren't here for the constant chatter. You aren't here when he stays awake all hours of the night. You aren't here when he triangulates us. Or when he does every possible annoying thing he can think of to each of his siblings. You aren't here when he won't share his toys or when he goes crazy because one of his little siblings took something away.

You don't see how he can't make eye contact. Or how he fidgets when I come close to him. Or how he gags himself in time out.

You just don't see it.

Yes, he is an adorable child.

But, he also has RAD.

We don't love him any less. We just have to parent him very different.

Thanks Courtney for saying most of what I couldn't. For what no one believes when I do feel brave enough to share. For making me feel not so alone for just a moment.

Frustration over, Liam pulled out his presentation

Liam finally pulled it together and pulled off a great presentation. Thanks to Poppy for taking him to the Lew Wallace museum yesterday he had lots of information and he learned a lot about his Famous Hoosier. Here is the presentation we wound up with and it only took 3 takes and then he decided to go with the first one after all.



I think he did a great job since he just finished the book on Friday and his teacher asked him to turn it in Monday so they had time to get through all the presentations in the class before the end of the year.

Frustrated

I am tired of being frustrated. Tired of trying to get them to understand basic things. It's been 2 weeks of a new behavior approach with Alexis and towards the end of week one I thought we had progress. But alas we back slid and every day we are still doing the same things, getting the same outcome, and are shocked and amazed by it. Please tell me that eventually it won't be worth the fight and she will just do as she is told. I am frustrated by her defiance and disrespect

Liam has had to do a written assignment and related project every month this school year. Every month we have had to argue with him to get started. Every month he has rolled around on the floor whining and grunting and kicking the furniture. Every month he refuses to do the assignment for hours on end. Every month after hours of refusal he finally gives up and gets it done in about 30 minutes. This month he just needs to write down notes so he can easily read them and make a video presentation of what he knows. Fairly simple as it doesn't involve a whole written report. His grandfather even took him to a museum for the guy he has to do a presentation on. I thought for sure that would help him to get ready for the project yet. Here we are 2 hours past can you please go write down your notes and not one pencil has been picked up. I am frustrated by his stubborness

Landon wets the bed every night, he has not ever not wet the bed in 3 years he has been potty trained. He doesn't get up in the morning and go to the bathroom. He says he doesn't feel like it so he just pees on himself. Every day I am greeted with the smell of pee. Everyday for 3 years. I am frustrated at his laziness.

Calgon take me away.

AMI where we love to forgot the world

Anna Maria Island specifically the city of Anna Maria on the island. My grandparents lived here and I loved visiting them, it was like going to another world. There isn't a lot to do there but that is part of why we love it so. One of my favorite trips was just Jason and I for 5 days. It was wonderful and we did pretty much nothing the whole time. My grandparents lived closest to the Tampa bay side of the island. We loved getting up early and going out on the Anna Maria City pier and look for dolphins and watch the fisherman. There are always pelicans on the pier hoping for a kind fisherman to share his catch. At night it is just as interesting. One night we watched a fisherman try to bring in a nurse shark. He wrestled and wrestled that nurse shark walked him down the pier and just before he got him to shore the line broke and the shark got away. He didn't want to hurt the shark just wanted a picture with him. From the pier we also saw a manatee swim under the pier. It was amazing.
The gulf side of the island has big white beaches. On my trip with Jason we would go out on the gulf side beaches and just be. There is nothing like just being. I would lay and read and he would wander the beach looking for creatures and shells. Another treasure of the gulf side is the Sand Bar restaurant. The food is good, but we loved sitting outside and watching the sunset with our feet in the sand and for me at least sipping a chocolate martini.

Another awesome feature of the island is you don't need a car in order to get around. They have a free trolley the runs to take you to all the neat sites and beaches. Another mandatory stop when we go to Anna Maria is the City Jail. We have been going to the jail every trip since we were kids and is a required stop on each visit. After you grab your snapshot in front of the jail you can check out the Historical Society and learn a little about the history of the island and even see a military uniform donated by my grandfather.
If you want to leave the island which on our trip we left just to visit this place. This is my happy place. I love to go here. It is Mote Marine laboratory and aquarium. You can see a giant squid. When I say giant we are talking 27 foot giant. It is no longer alive but still cool to see. They also have sharks, dolphins and manatees. The have a contact cove where you can touch starfish, sea urchins, horseshoe crabs and other sea creatures. But my all time favorite place. My happy place, the place that I can spend hours and in fact I did just that on our trip is the Sting Ray Touch Pool. I find the sting rays to be the most fascinating creatures and to be able to touch them was just amazing. They have their stingers removed so they can't harm you and I have never seen them even attempt to try and harm anyone. They just swim by and if they want you to touch them they swim up so you can reach them and if they don't they stay just far enough away that you can't reach them. It truly was my happy place. I can't wait to go back and visit my little sea friends.
There is more to do around the island and just off the island but these are our favorite things to do on the island. We haven't made it back in 4 1/2 years and man I can't wait to go back down there. If you need to just get away from it all visit Anna Maria I promise you won't regret it and you will leave dreaming of when you can come back.

Mother's Day

Mother’s Day isn’t for the mothers who are proud parents of perfect children. They don’t need a day to celebrate their perfection. They get that every day when their loved ones and strangers tell them their children are perfect. They get that when their children bring home perfect papers from school with perfect pictures of perfect families all holding hands in front of perfect houses with perfect lawns and flowers and happy dogs and cats lounging nearby.

Mother’s Day is really for those of us who are in the trenches. It is our “Memorial Day”. It is a day for us to mourn the loss of our perfect families and to celebrate our little victories. It is a day for us to take a moment and be thankful that we were able to keep our children alive for another year. It is a day for us to pat ourselves on the back – because we aren’t going to find anyone else who gives us pats on the back while telling us they are proud of us.
So let us take this day – this Mother’s Day, and give ourselves a little celebration. We have kept these children alive for another year. We do (sometimes) get papers home from school – so what if the pictures are messy and upside down? Our children do smile at us sometimes – so what if it is while they are trying to bite or kick or scratch or strangle us? Our children still have beds to sleep on and pillows for their head – so what if it is just a mattress on the floor because they broke the good bed?

I raise my (virtual) glass to all of you wonderful Moms. You wake up every day knowing the battleground you are entering, but you don’t shrink from the war. You enter with all the weapons at hand, knowing the only shield you have is the love in your hearts. You walk through the day – and, indeed, all the days, with your head up and a glint in your eye that says to the world: “This is my child. For better or for worse, I will love this child until the day I die. I may not like this child right now. I may not want to look at this child right now, but I do love him/her, and if you mess with my child – you mess with me.”

I support all you wonderful Moms who are walking through storms darker and more frightening than any storm known to the perfect moms with their perfect children. You walk through chaos and tornado and fire and wind and rain and rage and mania with an aplomb that is not even found in our Special Forces. You face heartbreak and loss with strength and calm. You have PTSD that is untreated and undiagnosed, and yet you still enter the daily battle. You smile when others would cry. You carry on when others would give up.

Maybe you do retreat to your room sometimes, and maybe you do want to give up, and maybe you do cry and rage at the heavens. Maybe you do yell and tear your hair out. But you are allowed.

So give yourself this day to mourn the children you dreamed about and to laugh at the heavens because you are winning. Every day you are winning. Every day you come closer to the picture of perfection. Every day you are able to laugh in the face of total annihilation. Good for you! Give yourself this day to know that each of us thinks of you as a hero. Each of us gives you pats on the back and says “You are wonderful. You are doing a good job. You are appreciated and you are not judged. You are special. You are loved. You have sister-warriors and brother-warriors who are in the trenches you are in. You are worth having a day named after your amazing feats. You are loved. You are loved”

Note: I can't take credit for the awesome work above. I got it from an online support group and it resonated with me and I had to share it. It was written by a special momma if 3 named Kerry

Grateful Sunday

Taking time to reflect on things to be grateful this week. I started out this week worried that Jason and Liam would be gone for two days. Could I handle the other 4 by myself for two days? Well I am happy to say that it went well. I am grateful that my Mom took Brenna for that night and so I only had 3 kiddos. They did surprisingly well for me so my worry was for naught. I am grateful that my Mom came and watched the 3 kids while I took Brenna to Kindergarten roundup. She was so super excited to see Kindergarten and ride the bus.
I am thankful for old friends and a new get together. A group of 6 of us had plans to meet up for dinner. Most of the ladies I met when Liam was less than a year old through a Moms group I joined. Over the years we drifted apart as our kids grew older and we added more kids to our families. It was wonderful to get together with them and catch up. We have hopes to make it a more routine event and I would love to see that happen. I am grateful for old friends and new starts to old ideas.
I am excited that I got to spend some time sewing this week and loved it. I made Brenna 2 dresses, a taggie like toy, a burb cloth, a sleep sack, and a hooded towel. Plus I baked and decorated cupcakes. It feels great to be creating again.
I am loving that Jas is embracing my love of nail polish and is spoiling me with little nail surprises. I am having a blast creating new manicure looks with all my fun polishes.

An amazing video from an amazing family

I happened in to an amazing blog that I have found very informative and helpful in the land of attachment issues. I am truly amazed at how she manages all the things that RAD brings to the table. I wish that I could channel her in our trauma time.

Today she posted this amazing video that was created by one of her daughters about how far her other daughter has come. It is a stunning video and I had to share it.
From Welcome to My Brain here is the video

What has been up with us

Well after much hemming and hawwing and hiding I have decided to come clean with what is going on in our world. What's been keeping me from blogging. We have been dealing with issues with the kids. Some big ones some little ones but here is an overview of what we have been up to. This was part of an update

What I figure the best way to do this is to go by child. So lets start with the oldest and work down. Liam was diagnosed in August with pretty severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder. (http://www.childrenshospital.org/az/Site948/mainpageS948P0.html) He has a counselor he sees at the church where the little kids go to preschool. We really like her and so does Liam. She has helped us with getting him help at school as well. The biggest things she has helped us to understand is that part of his anxiety is shown through Selective Mutism. (http://www.selectivemutism.org/faq) This is why he may not respond to you when you talk to him especially in front of new people he doesn't know or in situations where he is not comfortable. Please understand it isn't because he doesn't want to respond he may not physically be able to. There are times when we are talking to him that he moves his mouth to answer and no sound comes out. It use to make us so frustrated with Liam but now that we understand we try other ways to get him to feel safe enough to respond. He is making progress, he can order his own food at restaurants sometimes we have to repeat it for him if it is a noisy place as he doesn't always speak loudly. If he feels like he is in trouble or has disappointed you he may not speak. If he is nervous about where he is or who is around he may not speak. Please don't take it personally if he doesn't respond or say Hi to someone you want him to talk to. I am sure if he could he would as I imagine as hard as it is for us to deal with it is even harder for Liam to feel that worried that he can't speak. He currently has an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) at school to help him when he struggles with communicating both verbally and written.

Alexis. Alexis has a few things going on. More than likely Alexis has attachment issues. Which is diagnosed as Reactive attachment disorder (RAD). There are two types of RAD inhibited and disinhibited. Alexis has the disinhibited type vs the inhibited type. The biggest difference is that kids with disinhibited type will seek attention from anyone including strangers instead of avoiding relationships and attachments. (for more information on RAD http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/reactive-attachment-disorder/DS00988/DSECTION=symptoms) I tried to find a something that explains ways to help for family members but didn't really find a good one but didn't find one for teachers of children with RAD and think that it does a good job of explaining things http://www.center4familydevelop.com/helpteachrad.htm We try really hard to follow the instruction and direction of our therapists in how best to help Alexis through this process. We realize we don't get it perfect but know that we are doing our best to help. This is a letter written by grandmother to other grandparents about her grandchildren with RAD. http://www.welcometomybrain.net/2011/03/letter-to-grandparents-of-children-with.html the blog this message is on is written by a mother who is raising kids with RAD. She has some great posts on her blog as well as videos on youtube. Another thing we are working with in regards to Alexis is more than likely early onset bipolar. Both sides of her biological family have bipolar. Alexis has a lot of the symptoms of having this. She is currently on meds to help her with this. If you would like more info on EOB please read here http://bipolar.about.com/cs/kids_diag/a/red_flags4.htm

Landon currently has a diagnosis of ADHD however lately we have been seeing more EOB signs in him and are working to determine what is the best course of action for Landon.

Brenna right now seems to be ok. She does struggle with opposition and defiance but we have our fingers crossed that it is from being 5 and nothing more. She is currently in treatment for a lazy eye and wears an eye patch for one hour each day to hopefully correct this. She was tested last summer for NF which thankfully came back negative. The Dr at St Vincents is still looking in to some other concerns with Brenna. We have our next appt with him in June. Hopefully all will check out well and she will be good to go.

Rogan is dealing with childhood apraxia of speech. (http://www.asha.org/public/speech/disorders/childhoodapraxia.htm) While it sounds scary and it can be his speech therapist thinks he will be able to overcome it. He ages out of First Steps and working with his current speech therapist on his 3rd birthday in June. He should be going in for testing through the school system for his speech. The therapist thinks he will qualify for assistance with through them. I am trying to be hopeful but as many of you know of our struggles with getting the school to acknowledge our kids needs makes me concerned a little.

So that is the overview of what we are dealing with in regards to the kids. It all manifests itself in different ways that we get to try and deal with but we do our best. So if I am a little short with you or seem unavailable know it probably wasn't you I am just having a bad day.

Life has been a challenge so I going to try a challenge

In honor of the turmoil and craziness our life has been lately I am going to take up a challenge Liam's counselor suggested. I am going to try and think of the good things as we work through the other stuff.

First and foremost I am thankful for my hubby, with out his support I don't think I could have made it through the last few months. His calm and patience in the chaos is always wonderful. The fact that his hugs shield me from the stress for the moments I am in his arms is like a welcome oasis in the storm.

My friend CeCe who always shares my amazement in the path my life takes and is always available to listen. She allows me to say the crap that I think even if i don't really mean it and never condemns me for it.

My sister for listening and sharing what she knows since her kids are older than mine and she raises kids for a living.

My Dad In Law for all he does with Liam providing him a calm in the storm that is our home at times. For being brave enough to tell me what his concerns were even though he was worried it would upset us and even more for listening to our concerns and still being there for us.

I am grateful that I sucked up my fear and talked to who is now Liam's therapist. She has been a big blessing to our family not just with Liam but with all of us.

Those are some of my gratefuls right now. What are some of yours

Ever feel like you are living the movie Groundhog's Day

This is just a vent, please do not feel compelled to read or comment. I just need to get this out there so I can move on with my rinse and repeat day. Do you ever feel like you are living the movie Groundhog's Day? I do, all the time. I wish that I could learn what ever it is I need to learn so I can move on to a new day. In the movie things are a little different but basically the same and that is how I feel. I can almost guarantee that everyday will start with Brenna screaming this high pitched scream, Landon banging on something, followed by going in their room and telling Landon to please put on his clothes and to bring down the things he has peed on. Then during the day Alexis will have a screaming, kicking tantrum, Rogan will climb on the counters to get something, Brenna and Landon will be mean to the dog, Liam will boss everyone and get mad that they don't listen. Followed by Landon getting whiny and argumentative over a minor thing, Brenna getting tired and picking at everyone, then Alexis will take over being bossy and tell everyone how to play then wonder why the other kids don't want to play with her, me having to ask where's the fire since everyone is screaming or running or both. Later Liam will hate what ever we are eating and say he is full, Alexis and Landon will argue over bedtime, then right before bedtime Liam will suddenly be starving and ask for fruit and will nibble at it incredibly slow so he can't go to bed and pretend he can't hear when we say hurry up or that's it it's time for bed. Then I will stay up way too late savoring the quiet and lack of drama only to wash and repeat the day when I awaken the next morning. I do realize that this is just part of the life of Mommy but man am I tired of it. I know some day I am suppose to miss this part but I really can't imagine. The best part of it all is that if I get frustrated by it all and try to vent I just piss people off because I am just suppose to let it go and not worry about it. Thanks for listening, I now return you to your regularly scheduled life.

I am a bad blogger

I am a bad blogger. I could lie and say that I realize this and will be better about it in the future but why try to fool you or myself. I love blogging but lately it has seemed like it was another thing on the to do list and it never made it to the top. Plus I think that lately I have felt I should practice if the if you don't have something nice to say theory.

Things in the land of love and chaos have been feeling a little overwhelming chaotic. I wish I knew the reason for the chaos so I could turn it off. I know the source, I just don't understand the reasoning. I am hoping we are now on a path to less chaos with the ultimate destination a happier family. I know it's possible but man the map to that destination looks awful long and hard but then again if you look back at the journey to this point it probably looks the same.

For now I continue the path and hope the road isn't as bumpy as I anticipate and that some of the pit stops will include checking in with you my friends.