Coming clean

I haven't blogged because I was torn on how to post happy life posts when things just aren't happy most of the times.  I struggled between if you don't have anything nice to say than don't say anything and honesty is the best policy.  Today I am taking the step towards honesty is the best policy.  The truth is life has been hard this year.  The hardest year I have ever experienced.  It has also been enlightening and miraculous but really hard. 

The biggest truth to tell is that my daughter has reactive attachment disorder.  It is horrible and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  I often wonder what brought it in to our lives but it's hear and we struggle with dealing with it.  For those who don't know reactive attachment disorder comes from an insecure attachment to a caregiver in early years.  We don't know our daughter's first 18 months.  We know why she was placed in to foster care at 18 months and what has happened with her since she joined our family.  Due to her experiences in the first 18 months she struggles with forming attachments to her caregivers, in our case us her parents.  She is great at making superficial attachments with teachers, bus drivers, Sunday school teachers, and the sorts but real bonded attachment isn't there. It is heart breaking to see it and not be able to fix it. If you want to know more about attachment disorder and the causes visit Attachment.org they do a much better job of explaining the details.  What does it mean to our family I can help you better understand.
 It means we lived on the edge, always waiting to see what will set her off. Once she was set off she would rage, like a toddler temper tantrum but worse much worse.  She would rage for hours some times or minutes the next so you never knew what you were going to get and how long it would last.  It means when she gets on the bus you kind of hold your breath and hope today goes well.  That she doesn't go to school and tell some horrible lie about you to the staff.  Then she comes home and you wonder if the story she is telling you about how the teacher didn't let her do her work, or yelled at her, that the kids were being mean to her at recess are true.  Then you ask her to hang up her jacket and on the floor she goes kicking and screaming about how she doesn't feel like hanging up her jacket.  You walk away and try to ignore her.  She eventually gives up and hangs up her jacket.  Then you start making dinner and ask her to start her homework surprisingly she agrees you feel successful.  She starts working on her math and the questions start.  Mom what is 2+3, you reply I bet you can figure that out give it a try.  She whines and says it's too hard you know she knows how to add and you feel yourself being sucked in to this game she is playing.  Well skip that one and try another one since that one is too hard for you.  The game continues until she refuses to do the work and is trying to appear to be crying but no tears just red circles around her eyes where she rubbed them to try and appear to be crying.  Dinner time and we all sit down to eat.  The gorging game begins with her and her brother. They cram food in to their mouth as fast as possible making a mess but intent on being the first one done so they can get more.  After dinner add in showering and bed time and the drama continues.
  Then the end of March my nerves couldn't take the tantrums anymore.  She was spending hours a day yelling, screaming, throwing things, laying on the floor and banging and kicking her floor which is the ceiling of the main level of the house.  I was at the end of my rope.  She kept screaming how much she hated me and her family that she didn't want to live with us and that she was never going to stop screaming and kicking because she hates us.  I asked my sister if she could come there for spring break.  She thankfully agreed and we took her to stay there the week before spring break.  Little did I know that my world was about to go spinning out of control just a few days later. 
  On March 28th my husband had a MRI done on his head for some dizziness he was having.  On March 29th we went and saw his Dr and found out he had a brain tumor.  It was like the world stopped and everything went in to slow motion. I have heard this said before and never understood the impact until I lived it.  I remember sitting across from Jason and the Dr. saying the MRI showed something on his brain.  Then it was like the room got really long and Jason who was sitting right across from me was suddenly down a long tunnel and everything slowed down.  I don't remember what I said.  I don't recall a lot of what the Dr said besides he would set up an appointment with a neurosurgeon for us.  I didn't cry, I was too terrified to cry, I was too numb to cry, I was to confused to cry.  How could this be added on top of all that we are currently dealing with?  How could this be happening to my husband?  We left with an appointment in 2 weeks to see a neurosurgeon.  Jason insisted he wanted to go back to work, I took him back to his office and drove to pick up Rogan from preschool.   I walked in the door and his amazing teachers knew we were going to the Dr. knew immediately that we didn't get good news I must have looked bad.  I am not sure if I kept it together to tell them but they were the first ones to know the news besides us.  They helped me get Rogan ready to go and then I called Jason and told him he was coming home.  I couldn't leave him at work and I didn't want him to drive.  I couldn't imagine what was going through his mind as I knew what I was thinking and I wasn't the one with the diagnosis. We came home that day and started living a new reality.
 Thankfully my sister agreed to keep my daughter as I wasn't capable of managing RAD, 4 other special needs kids and  a sick husband.  We were able to enroll her in school at my sisters with out any problems which was amazing.  Then we began the job of waiting to get in to the Dr. 

Curious

Another prompt that piqued my curiosity is Curious. I am a very curious person. I love looking in to things and trying to figure things out. I love learning about things and people. I spend way to much time on the internet looking up things I hear about. I wish I was better at applying what I learn to my life as I am sure I would be in a much better place if I just could.

Some of my recent curiosities have been reading about RAD, researching Blue Tongue Skinks this summer, I also have been reading a book about adoptions from China just because I found it at Goodwill and it seemed interesting, I have a stack of other books what to entertain me next.

I wonder what will be my next thing, what my kids think, what makes my hubby tick, why I can't sleep past 4 AM, when will the chaos let up, what will come of those relationships that are so confusing to me right now and why I am still up at 11 complaining about not sleeping when I should be sleeping while I have the chance. For now I bid you goodnight and I go to ponder the thoughts that will invade my head while I lie in my bed hoping to be sleeping.

Yelling

In hopes of returning to blogging I went looking for a site with prompts that might inspire me to continue this project. I want to, no that should be I need to do this. Life has not been the easiest this year. I am kind of glad that it will soon wrap up and hope upon hope that 2012 brings more smiles than frowns. In my search I came across The One Minute Writer, which posts daily prompts to inspire you to write. I don't think I will be able to accomplish writing in just one minute but I liked the prompts and so I am going with it.

The prompt today says Yell, write about a time you yelled. Unfortunately I know too much about yelling lately. I have yelled and been yelled at more this year than I think in my whole life. I hate it. I hate that I allow myself to get so frustrated that I yell. I hate that I feel like the only way to be heard is to yell. I hate that my kids yell at me, and yes I know that they probably do it because I do. I hate that more often than not we wake up to kids yelling and at each other at the ungodly hours between 4 and 5 in the morning. I wish that yelling wasn't such a part of our household. I am working hard at trying to curtail that and feel like I am making progress in that direction, not as fast I would like but still progress and I will take what I can get.

Then there are the times that I wish that I could yell, I wish that I could scream, I wish I could tell them exactly what I felt. I wonder what holds me back then but not at home.

I feel like someone snuck in my head and stole this from me

I found this posted on Storing up Treasures and I felt like she stepped in my head took my thoughts and changed just a few minor details. It is weird to feel so alone in this and then stumble on something that makes you see there are others walking a similar road.

My child is RAD.

Reactive Attachment Disordered that is.

And to you he is the most adorable, affectionate, loving child you have ever met. He melts you with every smile. He warms your heart with his engaging disposition.

In your Sunday school class he is the most well behaved student you have.

In your classroom he always listens and obeys.

When you come to our home to visit, he will grab your hand and show you around. He will hug you and make you feel like you are the most welcome guest we have ever had. He may even convince you that you have some sort of special bond with him.

It is hard for me to tell you that you are not special at all. In fact he does this with everyone. He does this with the creepy guy at the mall. He does this with the checkout lady at the food store.

In fact he does this with just about everyone he meets.

Except for me.

When I tell you what our life is like you look at me like I am crazy. You wonder how on earth such a sweet child could do or be all of the things I have said. You start questioning our parenting. You begin wondering if it is really us that has the issues.

You just see this cute little child.

You aren't here when he tantrums and screams. You aren't here when he refuses to eat. You aren't here when he eats until he is ill. You aren't here for the constant chatter. You aren't here when he stays awake all hours of the night. You aren't here when he triangulates us. Or when he does every possible annoying thing he can think of to each of his siblings. You aren't here when he won't share his toys or when he goes crazy because one of his little siblings took something away.

You don't see how he can't make eye contact. Or how he fidgets when I come close to him. Or how he gags himself in time out.

You just don't see it.

Yes, he is an adorable child.

But, he also has RAD.

We don't love him any less. We just have to parent him very different.

Thanks Courtney for saying most of what I couldn't. For what no one believes when I do feel brave enough to share. For making me feel not so alone for just a moment.

Frustration over, Liam pulled out his presentation

Liam finally pulled it together and pulled off a great presentation. Thanks to Poppy for taking him to the Lew Wallace museum yesterday he had lots of information and he learned a lot about his Famous Hoosier. Here is the presentation we wound up with and it only took 3 takes and then he decided to go with the first one after all.



I think he did a great job since he just finished the book on Friday and his teacher asked him to turn it in Monday so they had time to get through all the presentations in the class before the end of the year.

Frustrated

I am tired of being frustrated. Tired of trying to get them to understand basic things. It's been 2 weeks of a new behavior approach with Alexis and towards the end of week one I thought we had progress. But alas we back slid and every day we are still doing the same things, getting the same outcome, and are shocked and amazed by it. Please tell me that eventually it won't be worth the fight and she will just do as she is told. I am frustrated by her defiance and disrespect

Liam has had to do a written assignment and related project every month this school year. Every month we have had to argue with him to get started. Every month he has rolled around on the floor whining and grunting and kicking the furniture. Every month he refuses to do the assignment for hours on end. Every month after hours of refusal he finally gives up and gets it done in about 30 minutes. This month he just needs to write down notes so he can easily read them and make a video presentation of what he knows. Fairly simple as it doesn't involve a whole written report. His grandfather even took him to a museum for the guy he has to do a presentation on. I thought for sure that would help him to get ready for the project yet. Here we are 2 hours past can you please go write down your notes and not one pencil has been picked up. I am frustrated by his stubborness

Landon wets the bed every night, he has not ever not wet the bed in 3 years he has been potty trained. He doesn't get up in the morning and go to the bathroom. He says he doesn't feel like it so he just pees on himself. Every day I am greeted with the smell of pee. Everyday for 3 years. I am frustrated at his laziness.

Calgon take me away.

AMI where we love to forgot the world

Anna Maria Island specifically the city of Anna Maria on the island. My grandparents lived here and I loved visiting them, it was like going to another world. There isn't a lot to do there but that is part of why we love it so. One of my favorite trips was just Jason and I for 5 days. It was wonderful and we did pretty much nothing the whole time. My grandparents lived closest to the Tampa bay side of the island. We loved getting up early and going out on the Anna Maria City pier and look for dolphins and watch the fisherman. There are always pelicans on the pier hoping for a kind fisherman to share his catch. At night it is just as interesting. One night we watched a fisherman try to bring in a nurse shark. He wrestled and wrestled that nurse shark walked him down the pier and just before he got him to shore the line broke and the shark got away. He didn't want to hurt the shark just wanted a picture with him. From the pier we also saw a manatee swim under the pier. It was amazing.
The gulf side of the island has big white beaches. On my trip with Jason we would go out on the gulf side beaches and just be. There is nothing like just being. I would lay and read and he would wander the beach looking for creatures and shells. Another treasure of the gulf side is the Sand Bar restaurant. The food is good, but we loved sitting outside and watching the sunset with our feet in the sand and for me at least sipping a chocolate martini.

Another awesome feature of the island is you don't need a car in order to get around. They have a free trolley the runs to take you to all the neat sites and beaches. Another mandatory stop when we go to Anna Maria is the City Jail. We have been going to the jail every trip since we were kids and is a required stop on each visit. After you grab your snapshot in front of the jail you can check out the Historical Society and learn a little about the history of the island and even see a military uniform donated by my grandfather.
If you want to leave the island which on our trip we left just to visit this place. This is my happy place. I love to go here. It is Mote Marine laboratory and aquarium. You can see a giant squid. When I say giant we are talking 27 foot giant. It is no longer alive but still cool to see. They also have sharks, dolphins and manatees. The have a contact cove where you can touch starfish, sea urchins, horseshoe crabs and other sea creatures. But my all time favorite place. My happy place, the place that I can spend hours and in fact I did just that on our trip is the Sting Ray Touch Pool. I find the sting rays to be the most fascinating creatures and to be able to touch them was just amazing. They have their stingers removed so they can't harm you and I have never seen them even attempt to try and harm anyone. They just swim by and if they want you to touch them they swim up so you can reach them and if they don't they stay just far enough away that you can't reach them. It truly was my happy place. I can't wait to go back and visit my little sea friends.
There is more to do around the island and just off the island but these are our favorite things to do on the island. We haven't made it back in 4 1/2 years and man I can't wait to go back down there. If you need to just get away from it all visit Anna Maria I promise you won't regret it and you will leave dreaming of when you can come back.